1 year already !
Yesterday was my 1 year birthday in Vietnam !!! I can't believe it has been 1 year already...
I can remember when I left home. I was very sad and had to hide in order not to cry in front of my family. Even though I was excited about my new life, I found it very hard to leave my beloved ones. My mom and dad drove me together to the train station to help to carry all my lugage. The atmosphere in the car was very stuffed and heavy and you could cut through it with a razor. My mom kept her sun glasses even when she did not need them. I think she did not want me to see her red eyes. My dad was very nervous and I think we all realized that I was about to leave for quite some time. After I got on the train, it was ok as I felt I was already gone.

In a year, so many things happened :
* I changed job once
* I met so many unique people
* I made out with a (old weird) cute Viet Kieu
* I started learning Vietnamese
* I started learning guitar
* I had 2 surgeries
* I started boxing again
* I had a cat who had 1 baby
* I went 3 times back to France, 1 time to NY, 1 time to Davao, 2 times to Cambodia
* I had 2 housemates ...

So many things happened, it is crazy. But what I am the most grateful for is that I had the chance to meet very interesting people and some of them became very good friends. Friendship is a treasure and it is important to realize the value of it.

Where will I be in 1 year ? Still here ? Back home ? In another country ?
God knows ....

If you look in the dictionary for the definition of "insecure", here is what you find :
"Insecure people lack confidence and are uncertain about their own abilities and about whether other people really like them".
I guess this is me !!!! And I have so many ways to prove that it is so me:
Friday night, I freaked out during my guitar class (once again) because even though I have been practicing during the week, I was not able to play an single note correctly. I got so pissed I thought Hung would run away. I always feel very bad because it is not his fault and he should therefore not have to bare my mood. But I have deep inside this feeling that he won't keep giving me lessons. I love to be with him as we discuss about thousands different things. But I am always afraid he does not see my "good" side and gets tired of my humors. I also wonder if I will be one day able to play something. Winnie keeps telling me to take it easy but I want so badly to be able to play that I focus like crazy. Music has a very important role in my life. I am always surrounded by music and I am sick of only listening. I also want to play !
Saturday night, we went, Winnie, Idoia and I to this house party. It was quite nice and I had a good time. Until people I was discussing with left and I stayed alone. Idoia and Winnie were discussing on their side with someone else and as I did not follow the discussion from the beginning, I stayed on my side. I felt very sick of being alone (even though I excluded myself) and decided to leave, eventhough I could have stayed longer as I did not want to go home (despite a big headache).
Sunday, I received a message from Winnie. She was asking Idoia and I about our plan for lunch. I don't know why but I got a bit pissed to be always together with Idoia. No misunderstanding: I really appreciate Idoia because she is cute, smart and so nice. She is really sweet. But I think this is the problem: she is a great person and I have to admit I am afraid of being faded away by her shadow... No, I am not a 5 years old kid who argues with his friends in the backyard of the kindergarden ... I am a 26 years old grown up lady and I am very very very ashamed of these feelings. But I have to express them in order to get rid of them !
To get back to Idoia, Winnie and her are getting along very well and they spend more and more time together. And I guess it is fair. I also spend some time with her and I appreciate it. But I feel threaten and I am really afraid Winnie will get tired of my moody mood and turn her back to me to spend more time with Idoia... And Winnie is definitely my best friend here in Vietnam and I don't want to look for anyone else...
In the same time, I don't want Winnie to feel unconfortable if she tries to have Idoia and I together. She should not have to choose between friends and I should not be so demanding...
Sunday, regular night in Yoko. Except that it was not regular at all as it was Hung's birthday. All his friends came, even from Danang and Nha Trang. The band played great and after his friends and family gathered together. It is exactly the time we, Idoioa, Winnie and I, decided to disappear. But I was just shutting the door of the bar when Hung runned after me and asked me to share this time with him and everyone. I felt very honored and even if I did not feel very confortable, I went back inside with the girls. We had a great time and I could see joy and happiness glowing from Hung's face. I had this feeling deep inside that no matter what happens in life, you should always have your friends around you to protect you and reassure you when you need... And I am very very very afraid to wake up one day all alone...

C'est grave docteur ?

If you look in the dictionary for the definition of "insecure", here is what you find :
"Insecure people lack confidence and are uncertain about their own abilities and about whether other people really like them".
I guess this is me !!!! And I have so many ways to prove that it is so me:
Friday night, I freaked out during my guitar class (once again) because even though I have been practicing during the week, I was not able to play an single note correctly. I got so pissed I thought Hung would run away. I always feel very bad because it is not his fault and he should therefore not have to bare my mood. But I have deep inside this feeling that he won't keep giving me lessons. I love to be with him as we discuss about thousands different things. But I am always afraid he does not see my "good" side and gets tired of my humors. I also wonder if I will be one day able to play something. Winnie keeps telling me to take it easy but I want so badly to be able to play that I focus like crazy. Music has a very important role in my life. I am always surrounded by music and I am sick of only listening. I also want to play !
Saturday night, we went, Winnie, Idoia and I to this house party. It was quite nice and I had a good time. Until people I was discussing with left and I stayed alone. Idoia and Winnie were discussing on their side with someone else and as I did not follow the discussion from the beginning, I stayed on my side. I felt very sick of being alone (even though I excluded myself) and decided to leave, eventhough I could have stayed longer as I did not want to go home (despite a big headache).
Sunday, I received a message from Winnie. She was asking Idoia and I about our plan for lunch. I don't know why but I got a bit pissed to be always together with Idoia. No misunderstanding: I really appreciate Idoia because she is cute, smart and so nice. She is really sweet. But I think this is the problem: she is a great person and I have to admit I am afraid of being faded away by her shadow... No, I am not a 5 years old kid who argues with his friends in the backyard of the kindergarden ... I am a 26 years old grown up lady and I am very very very ashamed of these feelings. But I have to express them in order to get rid of them !
To get back to Idoia, Winnie and her are getting along very well and they spend more and more time together. And I guess it is fair. I also spend some time with her and I appreciate it. But I feel threaten and I am really afraid Winnie will get tired of my moody mood and turn her back to me to spend more time with Idoia... And Winnie is definitely my best friend here in Vietnam and I don't want to look for anyone else...
In the same time, I don't want Winnie to feel unconfortable if she tries to have Idoia and I together. She should not have to choose between friends and I should not be so demanding...
Sunday, regular night in Yoko. Except that it was not regular at all as it was Hung's birthday. All his friends came, even from Danang and Nha Trang. The band played great and after his friends and family gathered together. It is exactly the time we, Idoioa, Winnie and I, decided to disappear. But I was just shutting the door of the bar when Hung runned after me and asked me to share this time with him and everyone. I felt very honored and even if I did not feel very confortable, I went back inside with the girls. We had a great time and I could see joy and happiness glowing from Hung's face. I had this feeling deep inside that no matter what happens in life, you should always have your friends around you to protect you and reassure you when you need... And I am very very very afraid to wake up one day all alone...

C'est grave docteur ?

" Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here "

Sarah McLachlan - Angel

Blogging is probably the best psychotherapy on earth ! Get everything out, write it down and go on with your life !!!

Do you know Calimero ? It is a cartoon character. He is a black bird with an egg shell on his head. He always complains because nobody loves him.
I think my parents could have called me Calimero as I often complain because not everybody loves me... I know that we cannot get along well with absolutely everyone but I always feel sad and a bit hurt when I realize that someone around me does not like me as much as I wish. I have 2 colleagues that do not seem to like me and totally ignore me. One is out of the company now but the other one is still in and I have the feeling she does not find anything interesting in me. I know I should let it go as I am probably the same way with some people around me but I think it is so stupid to leave people on the side when there is so much to discover about everyone...
It is like this need I have to be respected and to be number 1. I hate failure and am pretty tough on me for this reason. As I mentioned in another blog, I am learning guitar since 3 months. I am improving but very slowly. I wish I could learn at the speed of light to impress myself and the others. But as it requires time and patience, I sometimes have hard time slowing down myself. And I am also afraid my teacher (and my friend now) gives up on me... I always have this insecurity feeling in me and would like to impress him and to show him (and everyone else I guess) I worth his interest ...
Call me Calimero !

Let's wear John Lennon's shoes for a while and dream about a better world:

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Headache, feeling dizzy, a bit weak and very slow... I should have stayed in bed today ! But something got me out of it and I still wonder what it was ...
I woke up at 6h30 for my 30 mn guitar practice. It should have been at least 45 mn but it took me a while to clear my head from my dream and to open my eyes. I started playing and thought of staying home to rest and call Eric, my boss, to tell him I was not very fine. But something inside told me I was not sick enough to stay in bed and that maybe one day I would be very very sick but people would not buy it anymore. And I also remembered our maid was coming today and did not feel like hiding from her...
Anyways, I woke up, got ready and drove to work. And now, it is 10.19 am and I cannot wait to go back home and lay down on my bed ! Maybe I will shorter the afternoon... If the headache I have now does not disappear, I will have to anyways !

And it is raining again ...

Guitar sucks !
I started learning guitar 3 months ago. I always had this idea in the back of my mind: "one day, I will learn how to play guitar and will have a lot of fun plying the music I am used to listen to".
So one day in HCMC, I decided it was time to make my dream come true.
Ok, I never expected it would be easy. I am 26 and you do not learn as easily at that age as when you are 10 or 15. The passion is not the same and the time you dedicate to it is not the same either. I bought an accoustic guitar, Yamaha F-310, and found someone who agreed to give me classes. Hung, my teacher, is a professional musician and sings with his band in a bar that I like very much: Yoko. Through a friend of a friend, who actually also became my friend..., I got in contact with Hung and we both agreed to have classes at my place twice a week.
I love learning guitar as it is an instrument that impresses me a lot and I would love to be able to use 100%. I know I have to be more patient and give it more time. But what pisses me of is this ability I have to give up when I practice alone, at home. I am supposed to play 2 hours a day, every day. But when I start playing, after 20-30 mn, I am bored and if anything else comes in my mind, I stop playing to do something else. I am not tough enough with myself and just wish I would close my mind to anything else but guitar when I practice. I tend to think that I know enough the music piece we work on but when Hung comes at home and I start to play with him, I know deep inside I did not practice enough and I feel very insecure. Then he always ends up asking me if I practiced 2 hours a day. And because I really like him and consider him as a good friend, I cannot lie to him. He usually reminds me that guitar is a difficult instrument and it should be taken seriously. I feel like a 5 years old girl who was caught running in the garden instead of doing its homework. And I hate it. Then I start to be angry at myself and nothing good comes out. We sometime end up the class, I am very stressed and angry and I am pretty sure Hung must think I am very weird girl...
To be very honest, I am very afraid to disappoint him and that one day, he tells me he cannot give me classes anymore for whatever reason. I am scared he gets tired of me being slow and not really interesting... I know it sounds stupid but it is how I feel...
So I took a decision: I have to play 30 to 60 mn every morning before going to work and then the rest of the time at night. So I woke up at 6h30 this morning and started playing for 45 mn. And this is a big thing for me as I am really not a morning person. But if you don't push yourself, you don't do anything. So I believe I can do it and improve my skills. I just want to look back in 3 or 6 months (if I ever improve my guitar skills) and say: "I made it ! I worth the interest and I can play good and have fun, like any other instrument player".

I love quotes and I found one that fits very well this situation:
"You have to keep plugging away. We are all growing. There is no shortcut. You have to put time into it to build an audience".

I feel stupid writing about this but now that it is out, maybe it will help me to take it easy !

Today's proverbs :

" Deep doubts, deep wisdom, little doubts, little wisdom "
" He who asks is a fool for 5 minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever"
" We improve ourselves by victories over ourself. There must be contests and you must win "
" The best way to predict the future is to invent it "
" Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you are a man, you take it ".

Let's think ....

Life is strange !
You loose someone you love and you think it is the end of the world and that you will always feel a hole in your heart. But only few days later, you realize that the life of that person is over, but not yours. Especially went you are 26 and you have everything to create !
I say that because I went to a hardrock concert on Thursday and I really had a great time, like I did not have for quite a while ! The concert was organized by the Rock Club of Ho Chi Minh City for its 4th birthday. It was very loud music and I loved it. I found the vibe I am missing since I moved to Vietnam. When I was living in Paris, I used to go to concerts such as cradle of Filth, Backyard Babies, Nashville Pussy, Mastodon... Heavy and crazy, only good sound ! Surrounded by powerful music, I feel very much alive and I have the impression that I can do anything and nothing will ever stop me.
Anyways, I was in this big room with about 500 Vietnamese, probably one of the only white dudes who dared to come and with some very cool friends (Thuy, Viet and Loi). At a certain time, I froze and looked around me. I felt like the time stopped and I had few seconds to realize how alive I was. My heart was beating like crazy and my head starting shaking. I understood that it was my time to live and enjoy and that I was the one writing my own story. If I want to have something to tell my own Grandchildren, I have to live my everyday life 100% and not waste time thinking about the past and sorrow. Of course I will always miss her but I have to keep moving, with her sitting on my shoulder.

I have lost many people around me: my best friend, some friends, some relatives... and I don't remember going through a time where I would stop everything, sit and cry. I am a fighter and I believe fighting is the only solution I have to solve the problems or the situations I am facing.
And I realize I like to be a fighter and I don't want to be anything else. I want to be able to say "I won because I fought for what I want". This may seems weird to anyone outside my head, but it is just the way I am. And honestly, I am proud of being a fighter !

So don't mess with me !!!! ;-)

My aunt Pascale gave me the small bag prepared by my mom, after my Grand-Mother's death. I took it but did not look in it as I knew I would not be able to restrain my tears. Instead, we kept chatting about nothing and everything. Then I went home and went straight to my room. I sat on my bed and opened the bag to see what was in it. There were couple of scarfs that my Grand-Mother used to wear. I love to wear scarf and I used to have one around my neck all the time. My Grand-Mother offered me several of them and she always knew how to pick the best colors for me ! At the bottom of the bag there was a little wooden box. I opened it and discovered 2 beautiful jewelries: one very very old silver broche representing a cross. This broche was given to my Grand-Ma by her own mother who, I believe, got it from her own mother... I could barely touch it because I was afraid of the feeling if I hold it in my hands. The second thing was my Grand-Mother's engagement ring. It is made of a central diamond with small pieces of diamonds around, on a gold ring. It is beautiful and simple. I could not believe I was holding her ring and started crying like if my heart was trying to evacuate all the sorrow and anger I stored inside me for several weeks already. Luckily, nobody was home that night and I let the tears pour out of my eyes. It took me a while to calm down and to recompose myself. I had a meeting with Winnie and Fon that night and did not want to seem sad or very down. I just did not want to talk about her that night.
Since Monday, everytime I come home, I go straight to my room and open the little box, to check if everything is there. It is a piece of her that I keep for me only, locked in this box and in my heart...

In August 30, it will be my 1-year anniversary ! 1 year already that I live in Vietnam. It is incredible to see how fast time flies. But if one asks me how long I plan to stay, I have no idea ! I know I have to stay at least 1 1/2 year more to validate my experience with Victoria but I don't know if I will make it longer... I sometimes wish I had a simple life in France with low expectations. This way I would not be disappointed by anything or anyone...

But if I look around and try to count how many new people I met and how many friends I have here, it starts to be a lot. And I already know that when I will decide to go, it will be hard to say goodbye.

But aren't we supposed to say bye one day ?

:-(

My Grand-Mother died on July 2nd, 2006. She was 84 years old.
I know it is rational to say that it was time for her to go, specially because her heart was very tired to fight for a normal life, but I just get used to this idea. She contracted heart disease after my aunt's birth and almost died several times already. She had to be careful with was ate or did and could not be as free as she wanted.
Since July 2nd, 2006, I do my best to realize that I will never see her again, but it is just too much for me and I cannot cope with this idea. When she passed away, I was in Vietnam and even though I already planned a short trip back because I knew it was the end, I had to wait a couple of days to find seats available in the plane. I landed in France on July 5th but did not have a chance to see her a last time. My Grand-Mother was someone very special and very advanced for her generation ! In 1995, she took the decision to give her body to the science once she would passed away, to help the docs to improve their knowledge on the body and discover new cures to diseases. This is the reason why I did not have a chance to say bye for one last time. When I got home, she was already gone as her body had to be prepared to be kept between 3 to 5 years. I am very proud she took this decision as I think it is a very strong commitment to life. But that does make things easy for the family. Not seeing a body does not help you to say goodbye. I just cannot realize I will never see her again and this hurts a lot. My rationality tells me it is over but I guess my spirit still hope to have maybe a last chance to say bye and to tell how much I loved her and how much I will miss her. I know she always knew I loved her but still I would have liked to have an opportunity to tell her with my own words. The last time I saw her was last March and when I left, I said bye as if I knew I would meet her again. I think I was trying to break the faith.
My Grand-Mother was an incredible woman: she was born in Bordeaux, in the middle of the wineyards. She grew up there and then moved with her parents, brother and sister to Morroco where she got her general certificate and became a nurse. You know, women were not working in the 40s'. But she wanted to be independent and to help people around her. She was from a very religious family and believed every hard that if you help the others, someone will help you when you are in needs. One day, she met my Grand-Father and faled in love with him. 6 months later, they were married and my uncle was already on the way (quite revolutionary to have sex before getting married at that time). Their marriage lasted 60 years, which for me represent the impossible dream: meet the ONE and stick to it, no matter what happens. After my uncle, they had my mom and then my aunt. Later they went back to France and the kids grew up, got married and had kids themselves.
Even though my cousins are really nice and cool, I know my Grand-Mother always had a preference for my brothers and I, probably because of our adventurous spirit. We traveled a lot and had so many experiences to share. She was delighted to spend time with the 4 of us.
Now that I think a lot about the past, I remember small stories that happened when I was a child: for example, I spent a month with her when I was 9 because my family was traveling but I had to stay in France to get a treatment for my hearing problems. My Grand-Mother had to get a treatment for her heart and it happened that it was in the same place, in Luchon, a small and cute town in the Pyrenees. We went there together and I am pretty sure it must have been the most exhausting month of her life. I did not want to take naps so while she was trying to rest in the hotel room, I was jumping on the bed or creating dances in the room. I am pretty sure she was very happy to see my parents at the end of the month, as I was a very active child....
I also used to go for lunch every Wednesday to my Grand-Parents' apartment. She always cooked my favorite dishes and she was the one serving me coffee even if my mom disagreed. I got addicted to it, thanks to her !
There are so many small stories I could write about, but it would take forever and I am not sure I would have enough room on this blog. But it feels good to write about it !

I know I will have to face a difficult time this week and I am very afraid already: my aunt just got back to Vietnam and she brought some things for me. These are not presents but souvenirs. The tradition in France is to give to the close family some souvenirs from the person who passed away. It is usually jewelry or books or pictures... In my case, my Grand-Mother knew I am very attached to my jewelry because there is a story behind each of them. So I think she prepared what she wanted me to keep and my aunt is going to give it to me. I am very afraid because receiving these souvenirs will mean that she is gone forever and that I will never see her again. I don't know how I will be able to move on without her ...

I just wish I could stop thinking ...

Here are some proverbs that cought my attention:

"When you really trust someone, you have to be ok with not understanding somethings"

"A human being is only interesting if he's in contact with himself. I learned you have to trust yourself, be what you are and do what you ought to do the way you should do it. You have to discover you, what you do, and trust it"

"Be open to your dreams, people. Embrace that distant shore. Because our mortal journey is over all too soon."

"Happyness depends upon ourselves"

Time for a bit of mediation !

I know I am always talking about friendship in my blog (so far) but it is a very important subject to me as friends are, I think, the last people you can and should trust, together with family, when everything goes wrong.
Since I am in Vietnam, I met a lot of people and became very close to some of them : Laurent, Mimo, Pantanida, Winnie, Thuy, Hung ... I thought, naively probably, that we would hang around together all the time and be closer and closer. But some dropped out of my picture, for reasons I do not really understand : I barely see Mimo anymore and when I see her I have the feeling she does not enjoy being around me and she is bored. I am always the one asking questions and leading the conversation. Exhausting ! I gave up ... Luckily, I got closer to other people : Thuy, Hung, Fon (nickname for Pantanida)... and new people such as Chantal, my colleague or Clemence, my new housemate.

But there is someone I thought I was really close to and now I start to have doubts. Her name is Winnie and our friendship grew from simple aquaintance to sharing of my deeper secret. For the last 9 months, she was the one I would tell everything and I believe she did to. But since few days, I feel a bit left on the side. Ok, this is a very childish feeling and I am ashamed of revealing it but it is how I feel. Let me explain a bit more the situation:
Since a bit more than a week, Winnie is going out with this guy called Andre. She knew Andre for 6 months already and she always had feelings for him. It was just a matter of time and they finally made it out. I am very very happy for both of them and I wish them the best. But still, I am a bit hurt when I have to go to Winnie's blog to understand her feelings. In her blog, she describes the way she feels, her fears and hopes... everything. But what hurts me is that she used to share these feelings with me before and now she barely want to talk about it. We went to Cafe Latin yesterday night and she started talking about how she acts with Andre and end the conversation suddently saying she does not want to talk about it. I felt like if it was not of my business and she did not wish to share it with me. I know my interpretation is probably wrong but I cannot help to feel betrayed. Am I supposed to go to her blog to know what's going on ? This is not my definition of friendship !
Winnie leaves with Pantanida and I know they share a lot of unique moments. From what I read on her blog, she shares everything about this relationship with Andre with Fon. So I guess I must be somehow jaleous. But to be honest, I am very disappointed right now and just feel like staying on the side, as it is supposed to be my place.
There are small details that I focus on, eventhough I should probably not. One of them is lunch invitations. Winnie works together with Fon, Laurent and Mimo in the same office and I work on the other side of the city. Lunch for me is always an issue because I don't really feel like staying at the office to share lunch in a plastic box with my colleagues.. So I am always happy to meet up with friends. I can easily go anywhere as I have a bike. So sometimes, I send lunch invitations or ask them where they plan to go. But if I do not ask, I barely receive invitations from them, even to go local. When I receive one, it is usually because they meet up with andre and his colleague. But I just wish sometimes I would receive a spontaneous Skype asking for lunch. Just to give me the feeling like " hey, we have seen you today, let's meet to share good time together, even if we are sitting on plastic chairs and eating rice"... That used to happen and I hope it will come back. I am getting tired to invite myself.
Ok, I have to be very realistic: I am probably not helping Winnie to talk to me as recently, I am thinking about a lot of things : what am doing here ? what's gonna be my future ? Where am I heading ? .... I feel like staying home hidden under a blanket waiting for the dark clouds to evaporate from my head. But I know, from a very terrible experience I went through 5 years ago, that if you do not push yourself to the limits and if you count on the others to help you, then you will end up throwing yourself by the window. I therefore know I have to be more opened, not push people aside or shut myself from the external world. But right now, I find it easier to write that to do ...
I know, and I wish, better days will come and the all situation will clarify. But until then, I don't really know how to restore a relationship that seems to fade away... Any tricks ?

But hearts up my friends ! People are dying everyday of hunger, thirst or get killed under bombs because some other nations decide to run the world ! So why should I complain ? I have a job, a house, friends, activities, a family and food on the table everyday. So ENJOY !

Down and up and down .... yours,