My Grand-Mother died on July 2nd, 2006. She was 84 years old.
I know it is rational to say that it was time for her to go, specially because her heart was very tired to fight for a normal life, but I just get used to this idea. She contracted heart disease after my aunt's birth and almost died several times already. She had to be careful with was ate or did and could not be as free as she wanted.
Since July 2nd, 2006, I do my best to realize that I will never see her again, but it is just too much for me and I cannot cope with this idea. When she passed away, I was in Vietnam and even though I already planned a short trip back because I knew it was the end, I had to wait a couple of days to find seats available in the plane. I landed in France on July 5th but did not have a chance to see her a last time. My Grand-Mother was someone very special and very advanced for her generation ! In 1995, she took the decision to give her body to the science once she would passed away, to help the docs to improve their knowledge on the body and discover new cures to diseases. This is the reason why I did not have a chance to say bye for one last time. When I got home, she was already gone as her body had to be prepared to be kept between 3 to 5 years. I am very proud she took this decision as I think it is a very strong commitment to life. But that does make things easy for the family. Not seeing a body does not help you to say goodbye. I just cannot realize I will never see her again and this hurts a lot. My rationality tells me it is over but I guess my spirit still hope to have maybe a last chance to say bye and to tell how much I loved her and how much I will miss her. I know she always knew I loved her but still I would have liked to have an opportunity to tell her with my own words. The last time I saw her was last March and when I left, I said bye as if I knew I would meet her again. I think I was trying to break the faith.
My Grand-Mother was an incredible woman: she was born in Bordeaux, in the middle of the wineyards. She grew up there and then moved with her parents, brother and sister to Morroco where she got her general certificate and became a nurse. You know, women were not working in the 40s'. But she wanted to be independent and to help people around her. She was from a very religious family and believed every hard that if you help the others, someone will help you when you are in needs. One day, she met my Grand-Father and faled in love with him. 6 months later, they were married and my uncle was already on the way (quite revolutionary to have sex before getting married at that time). Their marriage lasted 60 years, which for me represent the impossible dream: meet the ONE and stick to it, no matter what happens. After my uncle, they had my mom and then my aunt. Later they went back to France and the kids grew up, got married and had kids themselves.
Even though my cousins are really nice and cool, I know my Grand-Mother always had a preference for my brothers and I, probably because of our adventurous spirit. We traveled a lot and had so many experiences to share. She was delighted to spend time with the 4 of us.
Now that I think a lot about the past, I remember small stories that happened when I was a child: for example, I spent a month with her when I was 9 because my family was traveling but I had to stay in France to get a treatment for my hearing problems. My Grand-Mother had to get a treatment for her heart and it happened that it was in the same place, in Luchon, a small and cute town in the Pyrenees. We went there together and I am pretty sure it must have been the most exhausting month of her life. I did not want to take naps so while she was trying to rest in the hotel room, I was jumping on the bed or creating dances in the room. I am pretty sure she was very happy to see my parents at the end of the month, as I was a very active child....
I also used to go for lunch every Wednesday to my Grand-Parents' apartment. She always cooked my favorite dishes and she was the one serving me coffee even if my mom disagreed. I got addicted to it, thanks to her !
There are so many small stories I could write about, but it would take forever and I am not sure I would have enough room on this blog. But it feels good to write about it !

I know I will have to face a difficult time this week and I am very afraid already: my aunt just got back to Vietnam and she brought some things for me. These are not presents but souvenirs. The tradition in France is to give to the close family some souvenirs from the person who passed away. It is usually jewelry or books or pictures... In my case, my Grand-Mother knew I am very attached to my jewelry because there is a story behind each of them. So I think she prepared what she wanted me to keep and my aunt is going to give it to me. I am very afraid because receiving these souvenirs will mean that she is gone forever and that I will never see her again. I don't know how I will be able to move on without her ...

I just wish I could stop thinking ...