I know I am always talking about friendship in my blog (so far) but it is a very important subject to me as friends are, I think, the last people you can and should trust, together with family, when everything goes wrong.
Since I am in Vietnam, I met a lot of people and became very close to some of them : Laurent, Mimo, Pantanida, Winnie, Thuy, Hung ... I thought, naively probably, that we would hang around together all the time and be closer and closer. But some dropped out of my picture, for reasons I do not really understand : I barely see Mimo anymore and when I see her I have the feeling she does not enjoy being around me and she is bored. I am always the one asking questions and leading the conversation. Exhausting ! I gave up ... Luckily, I got closer to other people : Thuy, Hung, Fon (nickname for Pantanida)... and new people such as Chantal, my colleague or Clemence, my new housemate.

But there is someone I thought I was really close to and now I start to have doubts. Her name is Winnie and our friendship grew from simple aquaintance to sharing of my deeper secret. For the last 9 months, she was the one I would tell everything and I believe she did to. But since few days, I feel a bit left on the side. Ok, this is a very childish feeling and I am ashamed of revealing it but it is how I feel. Let me explain a bit more the situation:
Since a bit more than a week, Winnie is going out with this guy called Andre. She knew Andre for 6 months already and she always had feelings for him. It was just a matter of time and they finally made it out. I am very very happy for both of them and I wish them the best. But still, I am a bit hurt when I have to go to Winnie's blog to understand her feelings. In her blog, she describes the way she feels, her fears and hopes... everything. But what hurts me is that she used to share these feelings with me before and now she barely want to talk about it. We went to Cafe Latin yesterday night and she started talking about how she acts with Andre and end the conversation suddently saying she does not want to talk about it. I felt like if it was not of my business and she did not wish to share it with me. I know my interpretation is probably wrong but I cannot help to feel betrayed. Am I supposed to go to her blog to know what's going on ? This is not my definition of friendship !
Winnie leaves with Pantanida and I know they share a lot of unique moments. From what I read on her blog, she shares everything about this relationship with Andre with Fon. So I guess I must be somehow jaleous. But to be honest, I am very disappointed right now and just feel like staying on the side, as it is supposed to be my place.
There are small details that I focus on, eventhough I should probably not. One of them is lunch invitations. Winnie works together with Fon, Laurent and Mimo in the same office and I work on the other side of the city. Lunch for me is always an issue because I don't really feel like staying at the office to share lunch in a plastic box with my colleagues.. So I am always happy to meet up with friends. I can easily go anywhere as I have a bike. So sometimes, I send lunch invitations or ask them where they plan to go. But if I do not ask, I barely receive invitations from them, even to go local. When I receive one, it is usually because they meet up with andre and his colleague. But I just wish sometimes I would receive a spontaneous Skype asking for lunch. Just to give me the feeling like " hey, we have seen you today, let's meet to share good time together, even if we are sitting on plastic chairs and eating rice"... That used to happen and I hope it will come back. I am getting tired to invite myself.
Ok, I have to be very realistic: I am probably not helping Winnie to talk to me as recently, I am thinking about a lot of things : what am doing here ? what's gonna be my future ? Where am I heading ? .... I feel like staying home hidden under a blanket waiting for the dark clouds to evaporate from my head. But I know, from a very terrible experience I went through 5 years ago, that if you do not push yourself to the limits and if you count on the others to help you, then you will end up throwing yourself by the window. I therefore know I have to be more opened, not push people aside or shut myself from the external world. But right now, I find it easier to write that to do ...
I know, and I wish, better days will come and the all situation will clarify. But until then, I don't really know how to restore a relationship that seems to fade away... Any tricks ?

But hearts up my friends ! People are dying everyday of hunger, thirst or get killed under bombs because some other nations decide to run the world ! So why should I complain ? I have a job, a house, friends, activities, a family and food on the table everyday. So ENJOY !

Down and up and down .... yours,