Here is a song whose lyrics could perfectly apply to me:

Jealous of the moon - Nickel Creek

Tryin' on a brand new dress
But you haven't worn the old one yet
You've come too far
To turn around now

You've given up the good fight
You're as strong as anyone
You're back where you started from
I see you're back where you started from

Starin' down the stars
Jealous of the moon
You wish you could fly
Just being where you are
There's nothin' you can do
If you're too scared to try

Drag your pretty head around
Swearin' you're gonna drown
With a beautiful sigh
And a river of lies

Starin' down the stars
Jealous of the moon
You wish you could fly
Just stayin' where you are
There's nothin' you can do
If you're too scared to try

Why don't you call me, I could save you
Together we'll find a God we can pray to
That'll take you by the hand

I hate to see a friend of mine
Laughing out loud
When she's crying inside
But you've got your pride

Starin' down the stars
Jealous of the moon
You wish you could fly
But you're stayin' where you are
There's nothin' you can do
If you're too scared to try

You're starin' down the stars
Stay where you are
You're jealous of the moon
But there's nothing you can do
If you're too scared to try

...

Private Investigation - Dire Straits

It's a mystery to me
The game commences
For the usual fee
Plus expenses
Confidential information
It's in a diary
This is my investigation
It's not a public inquiry

I go checking out the report
Digging up the dirt
You get to meet all sorts
In this line of work
Treachery and treason
There's always an excuse for it
And when I find the reason
I still can't get used to it

And what have you got at the end of the day ?
What have you got to take away ?
A bottle of whisky and a new set of lies
blinds on the window and a pain behind the eyes

Scarred for life
No compensation
Private investigations

Bitch - Meredith Brooks

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe

I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

What is it that some of us seem to only choose the losers or the wrong persons ?

I have to say than since a year, since I moved to Vietnam, I met ONLY wrong guys !
All started with Ben, an american Viet Kieu who moved back to Vietnam 2 years ago. Quite handsome, he is the perfect exemple of the guy who is looking for his roots but does not really where to go... At 41 (yeah I know...), he lost his job, moved to Vung Tao, moved back to HCMC after 6 months to start his own business. The sweetheart was cute but not much in the head or the heart !
After that, I met Clemens who I had a lot of fun. Here again, he is very cute (tall and cut) and smart. But I guess he has a broken heart and does not really know what he wants either... We met several times since we had sex ad everytimes I have the feeling that if I showed him that I am ok for having great sport once again, he would go for it. But I am not the kind of girl who begs for fun all the time. The guy has to show his will as well.
Then I met this french dude, Eric. 34 and very charming, I could have seen myself with him. But as I do not fall with only a smile and a winke, the guy got tired I gess and went for a 1 time-shot with another frenchy who was probably a little less demanding than me. It is ok really !
And last but not least, I met Brad, this guy from Boston. Fit, muscular and cute. But there again, something is wrong. The guy keeps sending me messages (5 a day) but nothing more than messages... Can anyone tell me how guys work ? They were supposed to be easier to understand than ladies but I still have a doubt on that :-)

hummmm.....

Until It Sleeps Lyrics - Metallica

Where do I take this pain of mine
I run, but it stays right by my side
So tear me open, pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me, until it sleeps 

Just like the curse, just like the stray

You feed it once, and now it stays

So tear me open, but beware

There's things inside without a care

And the dirt still stains me

So wash me, until I'm clean

It grips you, so hold me

It stains you, so hold me

It hates you, so hold me

It holds you, so hold me

Until it sleeps ...

So tell me why you've chosen me

Don't want you grip, don't want your greed

I'll tear me open, make you gone

No more can you hurt anyone

And the fear still shakes me

So hold me, until it sleeps

It grips you, so hold me

It stains you, so hold me

It hates you, so hold me

It holds you, so hold me

Until it sleeps ...

I don't want it

So tear me open, but beware

There's things inside without a care

And the dirt still stains me

So wash me, 'till I'm clean....

I'll tear me open, make you gone

No longer will you hurt anyone

And the hate still shapes me

So hold me, until it sleeps...

Until it sleeps....

"The End" – My Chemical Romance

Now come one come all to this tragic affair
Wipe off that makeup, what's in is despair
So throw on the black dress, mix in with the lot
You might wake up and notice you're someone you're not

If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see
You can find out firsthand what it's like to be me
So gather 'round piggies and kiss this goodbye
I'd encourage your smiles I'll expect you won't cry

Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhh!
Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhh!

Another contusion, my funeral jag
Here's my resignation, I'll serve it in drag
You've got front row seats to the penitence ball
When I grow up I want to be nothing at all!

I said yeah, yeah!
I said yeah, yeah!

C'mon C'mon C'mon I said
(Save me!) Get me the hell out of here
(Save me!) Too young to die and my dear
(You can't!) If you can hear me just walk away and
Take me!

Circle circled !

It is quite interesting to see how your life can change in a short time. Ok, not everything changed but I guess my circle of friends and aquaintances is growing incredibly. Ok, some of my "friends" are fading away but new ones come in, and I like this idea.

Last weekend was again one of these weekends where I was supposed to stay home and rest but instead ended up at 5 am on a bar, having a great time. The only bad aspect of this is that I start to be very very very tired but cannot rest anymore as my body does know how to do it ...
Friday, after guitar, Hung and I went to Vascos for a drink. I walked in and had to say hi to at least 10 persons. Among them was Marc, an Aussie guy I used to work with before. I had not seen him for 6 months and once Hung left Vascos to meet some of his friends, I sat with Marc to catch up. He introduced me to his friends, and more friends, and more friends... They ordered champagne and we had a blast ! We drank a lot of champagne and all of us were pretty relaxed and happy. Among Marc's friends, there was this Lady, Alicia, who used to be concierge in one of the most deluxe hotels in NY. As I have been working in a palace in Paris, we started discussing about luxury, demanding customers and excellence in service. Very very very interesting as I barely have the opportunity to discuss these subjects here. There was also this guy I used to see in Yoko and that I found cute. He was always with an older american lady. He was among the people I met on Friday. He is nepalese and is leaving Vietnam today, after 6 months spent here. He was very friendly and I enjoyed discussing with him. It is interesting that people are supposed to be met at a certain time, and not before ! We never discussed in Yoko even though I would have loved to. But I met him before he left !
In the crowd, there was this guy from Boston who ended up having my number after a lot of champagne. I did not really noticed him and went on with the rest of the group for the evening. I went home around 5, a bit high and very happy.
The next day, while enjoying a lunch with Laurent, Idoia and Mimo, I received a message from Brad, the Boston guy. I was quite surprised but replied to his message. We kept texting each other and finally set up an appointment for the same night. We met in a Japanese-style bar with fish tanks, turtle and aligator. I had a wonderful time and we chat for 3 hours none stop. He is a talker and spent his time telling me about him (hum). But it did not matter as I felt relaxed and glad to be there. He is 36, tall and quite muscular. Kind of cute ;-)
After the bar, we went back to Vascos where we run into Marc again. They played pool for a while. After that we went to Lush until it closed and I was home by 2 (quite resonable for an evening that was supposed to be a DVD night...). I don't know if I will see him again but would not be against some fun with him. I got the feeling that it is what he wants as well .
Sunday night, dinner at Mimo and Laurent's place. Very nice ! After that, I went to Yoko to have my weekly music dose. The ambiance was explosive and I had a lot of fun. People started dancing !!!! Incredible !

And now, I am back to work, ready for another crazy week.

Carpe Diem :-)

"Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is to the soul what the water bath is to the body."

Oliver Wendell Holmes

"Heroes" - Shinedown

Stare in wonder, who's here to bring you down?
Find your martyr, I'm sure you've made the crown
So light a fire under my bones, so when
I die for you, at least I'll die alone

Ain't nothing for me to end up like this
There's no comparing me this time

All my heroes have now become ghosts
Sold their sorrow to the ones who paid the most
All my heroes are dead and gone
But they're inside of me, they still live on

Dark devotion in a beacon paradise
Shows no emotion to a willing sacrifice
You can put a man on trial, but you can't make the guilty pay
And you can cage an animal, but you can't take away the rage

Ain't nothing for me to end up like this
There's no comparing me this time

All my heroes have now become ghosts
Sold their sorrow to the ones who paid the most
All my heroes are dead and gone
But they're inside of me, they still live on

All my heroes have now become ghosts
Sold their sorrow to the ones who paid the most
All my heroes are dead and gone
But they're inside of me, they still live on
They're all dead and gone

Cleaning the closet ...

Last Friday, while discussing about anything and everything with Hung, he gave me a wise piece of advise : "you should make space in your head". Of course, he was not talking about taking out pieces of my brain, which is not big enough by the way... but he meant to get rid of the unworthy stories and move on to new adventures. Since that day, I keep thinking about how good I am at looking at the past instead of looking for a bright future. It seems I like better the shadow to the sun, and it should definitely be the other way !

But I have decided to start cleaning my closet and to get rid of all the skeletons I keep carrying with me since quite a while !

Making space in my head ...

It has been several days since I posted a message on my blog. I have been away, traveling for business to Hong Kong and Singapore. It was really nice even if it was very tireing.
I think that one of the reasons why I enjoyed my time overthere is probably because I had not time to think and it helped me clearing my mind.
Now I know what I want to do: write a new story on a blank page. I am tired of being disappointed and my composition does not allow me to sit and cry. If I want things to be better, I have to make them better ! and it is exactly what I am going to do !

Carpe Diem... and bye bye unworthy people !

I am tired ! Not only physically but also emotionally. Whenever someone tells me something a bit agressive, I have to fight my tears not to pour out. Why am I exhausted ? I don't know ! I am under some stress at work but not more than I can handle. My life is quite nice actually and things are easy: no big worries, not big deal, parties and friends... I should be happy. But instead I feel empty and tasteless.
Lately, I tryied to share this feeling with my friends but no sucess. I tryed to talk to the person I thought I was the closest to. But as long as it does not have to do with her boyfriend, it is not important. This added a lot to the anger I have deep inside. I am very disappointed. I was not expecting understanding but at least 5 mn of her time to let things out. But I guess I was expecting too much. We go from misunderstandings to misunderstandings and I cannot stand it anymore. It is more than I can bare. She is leaving soon for vacation and we won't see each other for 2 months. I honestly look forward to this time, to try to understand what went wrong and how to fix it, if we can fix it.
I shared my disappointment and the impact it has on me with 2 persons only as I always find it difficult to share without loosing my nerves. One of them gave me a great advice. He told me:
" Each of us lives in its own world. In this world, you can let anyone come in or you can select the people invited. You are the queen and you rule your own world so do whatever you want."
This advice may seem childish but it was a good way to tell me to decide what I want to do. If I think this friendship does not worth trying, then I should simply turn the page and write a new story with new people. Today, I am not yet sure about what I want to do: 99% of myself tell me to turn the page but 1% still hope the situation will get better after some time. I may give a bit of credit to this 1% but not for long... I am not a drama queen. I don't like endless stories but I am tired to always be there for the others and their stories and never have people listening to me. I have the feeling that it is obvious that I am fine and I am not allowed to be down sometimes... Guess what: I am not ok and I need help now, not tomorrow. But I can only count on me.

I cannot wait to be in vacation, to be with my family and to do the grieving I cannot do since 3 months. I never said bye and it is killing me.
I know I will grow stronger from this situation but it hurts to see that I can be trapped in what I said I would never be trapped. I always said I would be fine by myself and never depend on anyone. I lowered my guard and I have to pay the price for that... I am learning...