I am tired ! Not only physically but also emotionally. Whenever someone tells me something a bit agressive, I have to fight my tears not to pour out. Why am I exhausted ? I don't know ! I am under some stress at work but not more than I can handle. My life is quite nice actually and things are easy: no big worries, not big deal, parties and friends... I should be happy. But instead I feel empty and tasteless.
Lately, I tryied to share this feeling with my friends but no sucess. I tryed to talk to the person I thought I was the closest to. But as long as it does not have to do with her boyfriend, it is not important. This added a lot to the anger I have deep inside. I am very disappointed. I was not expecting understanding but at least 5 mn of her time to let things out. But I guess I was expecting too much. We go from misunderstandings to misunderstandings and I cannot stand it anymore. It is more than I can bare. She is leaving soon for vacation and we won't see each other for 2 months. I honestly look forward to this time, to try to understand what went wrong and how to fix it, if we can fix it.
I shared my disappointment and the impact it has on me with 2 persons only as I always find it difficult to share without loosing my nerves. One of them gave me a great advice. He told me:
" Each of us lives in its own world. In this world, you can let anyone come in or you can select the people invited. You are the queen and you rule your own world so do whatever you want."
This advice may seem childish but it was a good way to tell me to decide what I want to do. If I think this friendship does not worth trying, then I should simply turn the page and write a new story with new people. Today, I am not yet sure about what I want to do: 99% of myself tell me to turn the page but 1% still hope the situation will get better after some time. I may give a bit of credit to this 1% but not for long... I am not a drama queen. I don't like endless stories but I am tired to always be there for the others and their stories and never have people listening to me. I have the feeling that it is obvious that I am fine and I am not allowed to be down sometimes... Guess what: I am not ok and I need help now, not tomorrow. But I can only count on me.

I cannot wait to be in vacation, to be with my family and to do the grieving I cannot do since 3 months. I never said bye and it is killing me.
I know I will grow stronger from this situation but it hurts to see that I can be trapped in what I said I would never be trapped. I always said I would be fine by myself and never depend on anyone. I lowered my guard and I have to pay the price for that... I am learning...