Green Day - Time of your life

Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographsand still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.
Tattoos of memoriesand dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictablebut in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
t's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

Butterflies & Hurricanes - Muse

change,
everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights, battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

change,
everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights and battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

don't,
let yourself down
don't let yourself go
your last chance has arrived

best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

Ghosts from the past...

It is funny to see how sometimes the destiny sends you messages to remind you of the past ...

Yesterday afternoon, while I was stressing out in front of my computer, I suddenly received a message on messenger from Ben, an American Viet Kieu I met at the beginning of this year. We had not spoken for month even though we are on each other's messenger and therefore see when we are online. I have to admit that it relaxed me a lot to talk to him and I was smiling in front of the screen. He is now back in HCMC and started his own company. He sounded happy and it is cool.
Yesterday night, while I attended the party organized by L'Amicale des Francais at Sofitel, someone accidentally runned into me. I turned to apologize and realized I was facing the guy I dated several month when I was a trainee at Sofitel, 6 years ago. His name is Thanh and he is vietnamese. I have to admit that thanks to him, I discovered Vietnam from the inside as he introduced me to HCMC's night life back then. We had a lot of fun together and never really said goodbye... It was really strange talking with him again, but I enjoyed very much. I don't know if we will meet again but I am so happy I could meet him again.

I think inside each of us, there is a book with our entire life written on it. It is up to each of us to accept the story or change it. I am the kind of person who learns from experiences, no matter how painful they are and I definitely want to change the story !

Some of my resolutions:

* Smile at least 10 mn a day
* Laugh at least 10 hours a day
* Take life as it comes
* Say "go to hell" to the one who did not understand that friendship is not only about bad moments but good as well
* Contact people I kind of left on the side because I was too busy for others and apologize
* Go out more and have the time of my life ( after all I am only 26 )
* Don't pretend to like the others when it is not true
* Become the Joe Satriani of Vietnam
* Realize everyday how my life is cool and easy

" Happiness is nothing more than good health and bad memory"

Friday night fever...

Got to tell my friday night at it was an interesting one...
The evening started with the regular friday guitar class. As Hung had to play in Yoko that night, the class lasted only an hour. But as usual, it was great. We had time to practice a bit and saved more time to discuss.
Once he was gone, I called Winnie to know what her plans were. She was in Hideaway Cafe, playing scrabble. I was really not in the mood to play with letters. So I turned down the invitation. I started a dvd but because I was bored and felt stupid being home on Friday night, I called my friend Chantal. We agreed to meet in Vascos, so I left the house, heading for a nice and quiet night. But it turned out that it was not really a quiet night :-)
I walked in the bar to check if Chantal was already in. She was not but I runned into ... Philipp and Clemens and some of their friends. I did not want to disturb so I went in a corner of the room to wait for Chantal. 30 secondes later, Clemens was by my side. As usual, we did not talk much, this guy is quite shy ... After about half an hour, Chantal and her friends showed up and she introduced me to them. They started asking me a lot of questions so I could not be with Clemens anymore. He actually left the bar to go to play billiard outside. Later on, he came back to check on me, so I sticked to him. After about an hour, we decided to go to Go2 as Vascos was closing. It was funny to be all alone with these 4 very tall german guys. We stayed in Go2 for 30 mn before becoming deaf because of the music. So we decided to go to Clemens' place for a last beer. I love his house as it is very big and spacious. So we were on the terrace when I decided to kiss him and see his reaction. Actually, I know he was waiting for me to do the move. I won't tell what happened later as it might be censured ... But what I can tell is that we had a lot of fun and it took us a while to get tired ... I spent the night at his place and left around 9 on the next morning.
My housemate Clemence was heating water when I got home and when she realized I was just coming back from my night, she started laughing very bad. I had to tell her (almost) everything. It was really cool to talk to her about this as there is noone else that is interested in these kind of stories ...

I am expecting absolutely nothing from this relationship as I know that Clemens is not looking for anything else that a bit of fun, as well as me. I don't know if there will be more nights but I love the idea not to have to worry for the other one to call me or to wonder if he wants to be with me or not ... nothing pathetic! Should I meet him in a party or a restaurant, I would feel absolutely comfortable. I am only 26 and I want to live my life the way I want, without a weight attached to my leg...

Carpe diem !!!

Into who's arms?

Have you ever heard the song "Into my arms" from Nick Cave & The Bas Seeds? Whenever I hear it, my hair on my arms stand up straight. I love this song, first because of Nick Cave's deep voice (in a Johnny Cash way) but also because of the lyrics:

" I don't believe in an interventionist God
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Not to touch a hair on your head
To leave you as you are
And if He felt He had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I don't believe in the existence of angels
But looking at you I wonder if that's true
But if I did I would summon them together
And ask them to watch over you
To each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I believe in Love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candlew burning
And make her journey bright and pure
That she will keep returning
Always and evermore

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms "

If one day someone sings this song to me, he is sure to win my heart. I am really not a romantic person; I think romantism is pathetic and useless. But it would take so much willing from the guy to sing it that I don't think I could resist...

Letter to the Little Prince

" Dear Little Prince,

I need to talk to you about my friend as I am worried.
I often refer to my friendship with Winnie as a strong and reliable relationship, supposed to last for a long time. We met when I moved to Vietnam a year ago and it took us a bit of time to get used to each other. But once we both understood we could count on one another, we had a blast sharing our previous lives, our dreams and our expectations. We would spend a lot of time together, discussing about nothing and everything. I had a lot of fun.

Winnie met Andre in November 2005 and falled in love right away. She was patient enough to wait for him to realize how lucky he was to have her as a friend and that she was willing to give him her heart, no matter the cost. In July this year, for her birthday, they finally connected. Since this day, Winnie went from the sweet and funny girl that I met to this lady focusing mainly on what her boyfriend thinks. I am not blaming Andre but I think Winnie gives him way more than he gives her. Of course, there are some very positive changes: she is more girly, she cares about how she looks, she is happy and smiling. But I cannot find anymore this unique friend who used to care about anyone around her, about what she was doing in her life, about meeting new people... If you check her blog, it is all about Andre and how great he is. I am sure he is a great guy, don't get me wrong. You may think I am jealous because she does not spend all her time with me anymore. But let me tell you that you are wrong: I want Winnie to be happy and to spend time with her friends more than with me. I know I am a difficult person with a very strong personality. I have been often betrayed by people around me and everytime it hurt very badly. But everytime I grew stronger. I am fine being on my own now as I have dreams that I want to reach. I guess Winnie pictured it very well: I am expecting to be betrayed and to be alone. I am therefore protecting myself by isolating myself first... But this is a different story.

Honestly, I am so afraid that Winnie gets hurt. I would like to tell her to be careful, to go one step after the other and to remember that there is a world out there. But I am not sure she will hear me and understand me. I cannot afford losing her so I don't feel like telling her anything. It is like the snake biting its own tail: if I don't tell her, how could the situation improve, right ?

If I could make a wish right now, it would be for Winnie and Andre to be happy together ever after and to realize that I worried too much for nothing.

I am not her sister, I am not her mother, but I know Winnie can be a great person if she trust herself a bit more instead of associating herself to someone else. I wish she would stand up and say " I am what I am and you have to love me for what I am" and not "I wish I would be more like Andre instead of being the way I am now" or " I am afraid my friends will be disappointing because I am not up to their expectations". There is no reason to be afraid about the others' expectations because if they are her friends, and I know they are, then they would not judge her but admire her for what she is."

Winnie, please be yourself and the rest will follow. Trust yourself and trust us...

No offense, please.

I love these pictures, not because I am on each of them but because they show exactly what I am looking for today: diversity and mixity.

Theses pictures were taken in Sapa, in the north of Vietnam. Sapa is still a remote area where tourists go but due to the difficult access, they are not too numerous. Unfortunately, this will change in 3 years from now when a big high way will be built, changing the 10 hours train trip into a 3 hours drive. Anyways, Sapa is an area where a lot of tribes are still living like 100 years ago (except from the Yamaha and Minsk bikes all over the place...).
Thanks to the GM of the hotel I am working for, we had access to places where we did not see tourists. Once you take a car and drive further in the mountains, you get access to villages that are amazingly colorful. People still wear the traditional costumes, made out of local materials.
Idoia, the friend I traveled with, and I started playing a very funny game: both of us had a camera. I would take a picture of the kids in the village or market and then show them on the screen how they looked like. Then they would all surround me to see it and then Idoia would take a picture of them. It was really cool because the kids would start laughing and be very natural. You could read so much emotion and happiness in their eyes. I really loved it.
I often say, with a smile in my voice, that I want babies. I truly want as I love to be surrounded by them. I am touched by their innocence, their natural attitude. They are like virgin stones; you can carve anything on them.
I believe some of the kids we've seen had never seen themselves before... To be honest, I sometimes was afraid to catch louses as they were soooooo dirty. I guess if they had 1 shower a month, it was a maximum. As their clothes are handmade, they only get 2 sets a year. And they do not wash them every days....

I think I am very into different cultures and discoveries. I should have been born 150 years ago and be the captain of a boat going around the world to discover new territories to trade with. I could have been Jacques Cartier and travel around the oceans, hoping to discover a new world...

Here are 2 songs that touch me very deep in my heart, every time I hear them. I get goosebumps and I feel like a silent angel sits on my shoulder...

Angel Standing By

All through the night I'll be standing over you.
All through the night I'll be watching over you.
And through the bad dreams I'll be right there, baby.
Holding your hand, telling you everything is all right.
And when you cry I'll be right there
Telling you you were never anything less than beautiful.
So don't you worry.
I'm your Angel standing by.

-----------------------

Amen
Your mother's child.
But night lays you down.
Hair aflame, wild look in your eyes.
Naked belly to the ground
A forest fire nibbles at your veins,
Crawls up your arm, runs away with your mind
And burns dry thoughts like leaves.

(Chorus)
A-men.

Eyes stare up, but something's in the way.
In the Bible, only angels have wings
And the rest must wait to be saved.
A dry tongue screams at the sky
But the wind just breathes words in
As a strange bird tries to fly.

(Chorus)

Pieces of us die every day
As though our flesh were hell.
Such injustice, as children we are told
That from God we fell.
Where are my angels?
Where's my golden one?
Where's my hope now that my heros have gone?
Some are being beaten, some are being born.
And some can't tell the difference anymore.

(Chorus)

Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.

"Only the curious will learn and only the resolute overcome the obstacles to learning. The quest quotient has always excited me more than the intelligence quotient. "

Everything is about curiosity. You can open so many doors just by asking yourself "why, how and where ? ". And once you start seeking for more information, then you discover a world that has no beginning and no end and where people share the same interest: going further, wherever you are going !
No, I am not high and I did not smoke anything... I just had an excellent time yesterday night !
As every Mondays nights, Hung came to my house for our regular guitar class. We start by chatting a bit, then we play for about 2 hours and we end up chatting a bit more. But some days, we must need to talk more because we spend a lot of time at the end of the class to exchange on subjects, often religion or philosophy or cultures. It may seem boring and strange but it is so interesting because we are from different cultures and our life style or education are different. It add some spices to the conversation.
I start to know a lot about him and his family. He also talks often about his friends and how sometimes he does not understand them. I think he is probably one of the few I can tell what I have on my heart, my desillutions or my excitement. Of course, I know there is a remaining gap between us as we are from 2 very different words. But he is really great as friend and I hope our friendship will grow stronger and stronger. I need someone I can talk seriously with, knowing I won't be judged.
And he is a great teacher, patient and dedicated. I think he deserves the "Most Patient Teacher" award !

Reading my last posts, I sound like I am maybe not happy hear in Vietnam. It is absolutely not true ! I am as happy as I was the day I arrived. I still see a lot of opportunities to grow and learn. There are so many aspects of this life that I would like to highlight: my job, my friends, my activities, the people I meet everyday...
I have the feeling that I am growing a bit more everyday of my life and this is was I want. As long as I grow, I am fine. When I will have the feeling that I am stuck in the same place for too long, then it will be time for me to move on. But not yet ;-)

I think writing a blog is somehow pathetic as I end up writing everything I have on my mind and maybe I should better leave these thoughts where they are ...
Anyways, I was rereading my previous posting and thought that I did not really describe myself.
I honestly think I have a nice personality and I am a good person. I value very highly my friends, once they "passed the test". I am a demanding person as I can give a lot but need to make sure it will be appreciated and valued. I too often trusted people who did not deserve my friendship. Not that I am an extraordinary friend but I think I am the kind of person you can call in the middle of the night and talk to for hours if you have heavy stuffs on your chest. I am not judging my friends on anything they tell me and just try to be as helpful as possible. As for my family, I could give my very last penny to my friends if it can help to make a better world.
But sometimes I just feel that I am giving way more that I receive and this makes me very sad. The thing you don't want to do if you are my friend is to betrayed me. I can excuse a mistake but if I have the feeling you are playing with me, I can become very cold and hard and withdraw any kind of friendly attitude. AND I am very spiteful. I will always find a way to make you pay for hurting me... This is just the way I am, and I like it. So I won't change this part of my personality !

To come back to the guy I talked about in my previous blog, he contacted me on Saturday night... I was in Q Bar with Winnie, Andre, Idoia when my phone rang. It was him asking me what I was doing. Few messages later, he invited me to come to his place for a "relaxing" moment... Guess what ? I did not go !
I don't hear from the guy for 1 and 1/2 month and out of the blue he asks me to join him? What is that ? At 1 a.m, I sent him a message to tell him I was going home but if he really wanted to meet me, we could go for a drink the next evening. Sunday, not hearing from him (not that I expected anything, honestly not), I sent him a short message around 8 p.m asking if he wanted to go for a beer. I was expecting no answer or a short message saying no. He replied a medium-size texto saying he was having dinner with some friends and that we could maybe do that in the week. Am leaving for Sapa on Friday so I replied it was ok for me except from Friday onwards as I would be away. I think he won't contact me as he was probably feeling lonely on Saturday night and was just looking for a bit of fun. It just does not work this way for me... Am quite "traditional".... But as I said in my previous posting, I could definitely go for an affair as he has a great body and I need a bit of exercise... ;-) But honestly, if he does not contact me, it is not the end of my world. I really don't care.

What an exciting life I have !?!

Dr. Freud, I need to talk to you. Are you there ?

"I just got back from Hoi An this morning. Hoi An is a cute city where we have 1 hotel. The city itself is loosing its spirit due to massive tourism but the hotel is a resort on the beach where the only thing to do is to go from the pool to the sea and back to the pool. Ok, for me it was a bit more serious as I was there to inspect the property as well as the competition. But I had a lot of time for myself and enjoyed the sea and the sun very much. I used the spare time I had alone to do a bit of thinking...

Lately, I have been a very unlovable person, not to say a b...ch. I cannot really tell why but I was stressed and always pissed and unhappy, and trust me: it is not my usual attitude. There are no reasons for that and I cannot explain why everything was getting on my nerves. I was very short-tempered (though am still is as it is my personality) and so sure nobody loved me. Here we go again: nobody loves me, nobody understands me and I am important to noone... I know it may seem strange but I think it has to do with the insecure feeling I already described in a previous blog. If people don't show me that they care about me, then I am pretty sure I can disappear from Earth and nobody will notice. Actually, I know it is not true at all as I have a very loving family, cool friends and interesting aquaintances. But the point is that if I am not their center of interest anymore, then I feel like they don't care about me. And this is driving mad as it is very tireing ! It is not because my friends don't e-mail me 4 times a day that they don't care about me. They have their own interests on their side. I see myself as an self-centered person. I wish I could be like those people who forget about themselves and give all their energy to the others. Am not !
Why am I a b-tch ? I have this friend in HCMC who is/used to be very closed to me. We would chat all the time together about anything, everything. But she now has a different life: boyfriend, new friends, activities on her own... Basically, she is happy. And me, instead of being happy for her to be happy, I turn into a cold, unfriendly person saying NO to almost every suggestions. I feel like a dog bitting its master just because he is petting another dog. Ok, the comparaison is weird but I think it describes pretty well the situation.
While walking on the beach the other night, under a clear sky full of stars and an incredibly beautiful moon, I realised that I was losing myself: I used to be fine on my own, not concerned by how the others would act toward me or think of me. But since I moved to Vietnam, I have been quite possessive and demanding. I am expecting my friends to worry about me, about how I feel, about what I do. But what if they don't ? Is it really the end of the world ? Should it drasticly change my life ? Am I so addicted to people that I have to care about their opinion ? And shouldn't be the one carring more about them ? Maybe this is the problem: I am to selfish and not enough opened...
So under the infinite sky, I took a decision: I will do my best to be close to my friends here but should they focus their attention on someone else, then I will do the same. Maybe friendship is never meant to last. Maybe what I am expecting from them is too much and noone can deliver so high standards... dunno. But what I know is that I wanna be happy with my simple life and not worry about anything that is not meaningful.

I just wish I would be stronger, not to focus on small details but more on the meaning of the life. I am part of the lucky ones and I should never forget this. Sometimes at night, when I walk home, I pass by an old man who sleeps every nights in the same corner of the same street. He obviously carries his belongings in a small box and is maybe waiting for the End or the Beginning of a new adventure. But every times I pass by him, I always wonder about the same things: who was this man before ? what is his past ? how did he end up alone in the street at at leat 80 years old ? how can life be so cruel that she has to leave an old man without ressources in the street ?
I believe in karma: what you do to the others today will be done to you in the next life. And what makes me sad is that by being mean, too demanding or selfish, this attitude will kick me back in the next life as a boomerang and I will have to accept the faith and the consequences of my bad behavior.
Maybe I should retire for some months in the mountains to think about the meaning of lif ???"


Ok, now a lighter anecdote:
I had lunch together with some friends. One of them warned me that this CUTE german guy I was kissing 1 night in a pool (a long story) maybe be having lunch with us. Guess what ? He had lunch with us ! Even though I have no special feelings for him (except that he is a good kisser ... and I am French so I know what it is ! and that he has a body I could have an affair with) , I was thinking that it was strange to see how the outside could be different from the inside: this guy is quite hot but acts like he is suffering from very very low tension. When I see him, I have the impression to face a deliciously-looking candy but tasteless inside... Weird... But once again I am judging people way too fast ....