Sometimes, you have to be reasonable and admit that what you want, no matter how badly you want it, will not be good to you.
I have decided to be reasonable and to forget about that guy... Why ? Because no matter how hot he is and how appealing he is to me, if we hook up, nothing good will happen. Ok, at first, it will be heaven but then things might go bad and I am not sure I will have the energy to handle that.
I am used to have very short stories with guys I don't know: we meet in a party, we hang out together for the evening, end up making love all night and then leave the next day and I never hear about them again. And I am fine with that. Call me b..ch if you want but I am having a good time and it does not hurt because I know that nothing should be expected.
But in this specific case, if we finally connect, which is very possible, we will hang out for a little while but then he will be looking for something new with someone new. And I know that it will be hard for me to accept it and do like if nothing happened. He is a bad guy and I love bad guys ! The worst, the best for me :-) But I am not sure to be strong enough today to face this kind of situation.
I have a bad history and I am traumatized I guess. I am thinking every day about what happened to me 6 years ago and the same question always comes back: why me ?
I think if I did not have the strong personality that I have, I would have taken away my life because it is sometimes unbearable to know that your life is changed forever because you were at the wrong place at the wrong time ...
But life is too beautiful to be shortened ! So when I feel like staying under my bedsheets and crying, I just grit my teeth and I move on.

But I definitely made my mind: I will resist to his charm and sex appeal ! I guess I must be the only girl around him who is willing to turn him down :-) But it is for my own good !

Be strong, be strong !

It is interesting to see how your personality influences your behavior.
I am a "brained person" which means that I analyze everything before acting. There are 3 main types of people (at least in the western culture): the brained, the impulsive and the affectionate. The brained analyze all the signals he receives before doing a move; the impulsive follows his instinct even if the signals are not there and the affectionate bases his judgment on how much affection he feels from the situation. Actually, we all have a bit of the 3 in us but 1 is stronger than the others. And it is shown on the face. It is called Morpho-psychology: the art of understanding the people from their physical appearance. This study of personalities is really interesting and I read a lot on that.

In my case, the way my face is structured shows that I have a strong tendency to over analyze. The brain space is bigger than the nose or mouth spaces.
Anyways, the point is that I tend to restrict my feelings and I do not let my impulsions drive me. In some situations, it is excellent as I am very careful and really think before taking decisions. But in other situations, such as love and feelings, it is a bit of a pain in the neck as I can't help but think "what if..."
Recently, I have let my feeling for a certain person grow stronger. Before I used to be able to think "no way, this won't work so don't even think about it". But now that I know that the guy is also interested (signals cannot be wrong) I can't help but think about why this cannot work: he is 7 years younger than me, we spend a lot of time together, he is young and hot and therefore the target of interested ladies, he is a ladies' man... So many reasons not to take the risk. But in the same time, I know that there is something possible between us and his friends are pushing him to be a bit more proactive towards him.
So every times I see him, half of me gets under his appeal and charm and the other half tells me to be careful. I am pretty sure that if someone saw me when I am looking at him, that person could see on one side of me a devil say " go ahead and have fun, life is too short to be wasted ! No matter what happens after, Carpe Diem" and on the other side of me an angel replying "forget it, you will get hurt and nothing good is gonna get out of this relationship. Protect yourself".
So far the angel has been stronger than the devil. But for how long ?

Lately, I have been dating several guys but it was always for a very short time as I am not interested on settling down. But with him, things are different and I would love to give it a try as I am pretty sure it would be exciting, dangerous and "out of the beaten tracks".

What should I do ?

Falling for the wrong person...

I am not the kind of person who can date someone without being madly attracted by the guy. I need to feel excitement and ... a sensation of risk.
I did not fall for anyone for a long time. Every times I dated guys in Vietnam (and there has been a few of them), I knew it was for a short time and it meant nothing to me. So I would usually be the one not following up and pushing away the guy.
But now, I am falling for the wrong person. We met at the place where I do a lot of sport and he is one of my trainers. At first, I did not pay attention as the communication was not very good between us. Actually, I think both of us did not notice the other one. But since a few weeks, we have been training together seriously and we spent a lot of time together. And every time, there is this electricity between the 2 of us. We are serious when training but it always turns into a game where the 2 of us have a lot of fun. We also started talking a lot and even if he is younger than me, he is quite mature. Ok, the final connection has not be done yet but I can tell that it could happen anytime.
So why is it the wrong guy ? Because I have the feeling that he is gonna have to leave the country soon. He recently got in trouble as he and his friends got attacked in the street. The fight turned bad and several of the attackers are in the hospital and one is in the coma. Of course, it was legitimate defense but it is not enough for the local mafia. Something tells me that he is gonna have to go away for a little while...
The thing is that I am falling in the trap of feelings and if he goes away, it will be hard for me, even if nothing is really going on between the 2 of us. I know it is weird but I am a bit stressed deep inside and don't sleep very well. I do a lot of dreams...
I just hope things will settle down by themselves.
On my side, I have to kill this feeling of attraction in order to protect myself. But what pisses me of is that for once I was allowing myself to follow my heart and it just can not work...

I think I will never be happy in love

Now that I got my blog back, I am gonna start posting again :-)

Today is a special day for me as I am turning... 27 ! And like every birthday, I realize how much I am lucky to be surrounded by friends and family that love me !
This morning, I checked my personal e-mails and saw a mail from my dad: he sent me virtual flowers !!!! So cute ! Then all the girls (and boy) in the office came to wish me a very nice birthday. Later, I got a call from the receptionist asking me to come to get flower arrangements. And it was not 1 or 2 waiting for me but 4 !!! 1 from Chris & Vy, 1 from the girls of the office, 1 from Winnie and 1 from Fon. I could open a flowershop now...
But I will leave them at the office as I am barely home. It looks very nice !

Friday, party time with some friends (20 to 25 pax) and then Saturday .... I will move to my new appartment !!! I cannot wait :-)

And tomorrow will be another beautiful nice day

I don't believe it !!!! My blog is back !!!
For few months, I could not access to it, so I gave up the idea of writing anything on it anymore. But this morning, out of curiosity, I tried it another time and it worked !!! I don't understand technology sometimes...

No big deal but a good news: I will be able to write again my deepest sad and happy thoughts :-)

I cannot believe I ended up crying in front of Hung yesterday. I tried to hold it as much as I could but I got very stressed during the class as I was not able to do the exercise and I had to let it go. I would have given anything to hold these tears and wait for a few hours to let them roll but I just could not. It must have been the way he talked to me or the fact that he felt something was wrong and he wanted to understand...
I have a beautiful life. I am lucky enough to have a job that I love, to have friends around, to have an easy way through the day, to have money... but some days, I feel like I have a weight on my shoulders and I just cannot handle it. I had a lot of things in my mind since a long time and no one to express my stress to. I hold inside for as long as I could, waiting for things to get better. But the way Hung sees things, reacts and thinks is incredible. I wish I had 10% of his wisdom. Nothing seems to be a big deal to him whereas for me it is the end of the world.
Anyway, I could not help to open up myself to him yesterday and he was of course of great advice. I just hope he does not see me as a complicated person, never happy because it is not true. I love my life and I love to wake up in the morning wondering what the day will be made of. It is just that some days, the sky is a bit more cloudy than others.

I should keep looking at the bright side of the moon !

I gave a call this afternoon to my parents like I do usually during the week to get news and let them know that everything is going fine for me. My mom was gone but I talked to my dad for a little while. Then he brought the news to me: one of their friends was buried yesterday !
Even if I haven't seen the person for a long time, I used to know that he was around, part of the small circle of my parents' friends. But now, knowing that he is gone for ever feels weird. He is not the first to go, unfortunately. In the past year, my parents lost 2 close friends and even if they take the news with control and philosophy, I know that it is very difficult for them each time and that they can't help but to ask the question: who's next ?
When they were young, they got along with a bench of kids like them. My parents were not together yet but that's thank to these friends that they met and got married. For me, all these friends are somehow my parents and I am so grateful that they have been around during my childhood. They tought me, together with my family, what true friendship means. The funny thing is that my 2 best friends are the daughters of 1 of the couples. We grew up together and shared a lot of unforgettable moments. Even if we do not see each other often, we know that whatever happens, we are there for each others. They are probably the only one. I never experienced such feeling with anyone else, and will probably never.

One more gardian angel is flying away... I will never get used to this deep feeling of sorrow.